Saturday, September 12, 2009

Toot Uncommon

My mother and I often talk about mummies and their exploitation. Believe it or not, it is a huge problem faced by the Mummies of America today. Why? Because there shouldn't BE Mummies of America. We pull them out of their Egyptian pyramid fortresses and put them on display in museums. All those warnings about eternal curses are just poppycock. Right? Wrong. The curse of the mummy's tomb has poisoned America. Just take a look around out our broken society. Those mummies are probably rolling in their glass cases.

The first curse? Tooth Decay. First of all, it ruins the happiest thing we have in our dismal existences - candy. Rainbow lollipops, chocolate bars, and licorice, soda pop, and even little fruit chews with smiley faces have ulterior motives. Second of all, we are dependent on the dentist, who may as well have the head of a jackal.

The second curse? Lines. The grocery store, bank, even Disneyworld, the happiest place on earth, all have lines in common. I wish I could get embalmed now so I wouldn't have to rot away in lines. Heck, if I wanted to rot away, I would just watch tv, eat candy, or write in my blog.

The third curse? Country Music. Worse than pulling your brain out your nose.

The fourth curse? Double Knotted Shoelaces. They make you look like a nerd, but their necessity trumps their lack of style. Not only do we have to tie our shoes, we have to do it twice. It just reminds us that our best is never good enough.

The fifth curse? Facebook. Connecting you to all the people you never wanted to see again. The Ex-boyfriend, the weird kid who breathed on your arm in class, the adult version of the little kid you used to call "Fat Head". Facebook is an early Day of Reckoning.

If only I was there to interpret the hieroglyphics. I could have prevented all of this. People should come to me to prevent things more often.