Monday, April 26, 2010


Whenever I need something that I can't just come out askin' about (how rude would that be?) I simply hint around at the subject until the other person thinks my idea was in fact his/her idea all along. Let's face it, confrontation just gets people into trouble. Look at Tiger Woods!

Is your life full of embarrassing confrontations and awkward inquisitions? Would you rather eat cold cereal than call the pizza guy? Does your laziness restrict your mobility?

If you answered "YES!" to any of these questions, throw away the anti-depressants and follow me as I take you on a journey of interpersonal improvement. I'll show you how to avoid even positive confrontation and protect your fragile comfort zone with these neat tricks!

Problem 1: Your dad asks you to call your grandma to set up a family dinner date while you're in town. Both your parents and sister are perfectly capable of setting up the appointment, but they asked you. What should you do? Just call your grandma as a warm gesture of love and obedience? Maybe... before you learned these tricks.

Always start with making up logical excuses for yourself. For instance, say things like, "I thought you wanted to call her to catch up. You forgot her birthday last year and still haven't made it up to her." or "I would love to call her, but I (trail off here)." If that doesn't work, feign stupidity, sleep, or deafness.

Problem 2: Your mom asks you to invite the new girl over for a "play date." The thought of building social interconnectedness within your heart and neighborhood frightens you. What should you do?

Solution: If you haven't overused the "Maybe another time, I think I am coming down with something" excuse, try faking an injury or spreading rumors about the neighbor's infectious disease.

Problem 3: Oops, you forgot to buy noodles at the store. Oops, you also forgot that you hate doing things that other people can do for you. What should you do?

Solution: Make the problem seem a lot bigger than it really is. Complain about every facet of your day until pity puts the other person into action. Be sure to say, "No, you don't have to do that. Are you sure?" a few times before accepting so as to keep up courtesies.

As we have learned, appearance is everything and maintaining self-comfort at any cost is always worth it. If you found this article helpful, you may also enjoy:

"Excuses for Being Late: Scattergories Approved"
"Build Yourself Up by Pulling Others Down"
"Justifying Procrastination: You Deserve This!"
"Flaking Out With Finesse"

Good luck on your comfortable journey of avoidance and non-obligation.


Marty Phil said...

Dear Anna,
I found your article insightful and inspiring. Just today, I got out of my class by faking an asthma attack. Sadly as I left the classroom and begin to run to my freedom. I had an actual asthma attack. Oh, the irony. Well I look forward to your article on "faking out with finesse."
yours truly,

Molly and Jay said...

Is it merely coincidence that avoidance boy looks strikingly similar to me?